baby_sweetpea

Now I have the destination set...it's california. I want to go to the California College of Art for writing. But I need a portfolio, which i don't have. Here we go!

I've been thinking a lot..and i think the best solution is to run away. I'm putting together a band of runaways.

Amber(To Squeak)-Do you love your new house with marc?
Squeak-Meow-no I hate it and I miss you and i especially miss playing with kyra...lol

~I just gave my cat away to my friend and I really miss him and want him back.

More and more I feel like he's the one. The one that glues a smile to my cheeks and paints the world a brighter gray.

Moving to Tennessee in January. I'm downloading lots of country songs for my road trip.

 my first favorite band was metallica.  My cousins and I were like 7 years old, and my uncle would blast the speakers so loud.  I remember loving the feeling of the music physically in my chest.  I used to scream "King Nothing" until my vocal chords gave out.  And I still love Metallica.

I think I have to drop out of school. I cant afford my books, so monday i have to withdraw from my two classes. Yeah, two, cuz i couldnt afford to take a full load. It fuckin sucks. I feel like I've tried so hard and i want so bad to make something out of my life, and i can see it all getting farther and farther away. Bummsville.

This past year has been really hectic, and really frustrating. I've cried myself to sleep a lot. But I don't regret any decision I've made or any situation I was in, because it all lead up to today. And today I'm really happy. I haven't been just happy in a long time, and it feels good. I'm not sure where things are going, and for the moment i dont care. My right now is good, and my future seems so far away. Things are just fitting together and no matter how things end up I'm enjoying right now. Really that's all I can ask for, to enjoy right now without any expectations for later.

i like him...and it's starting all over again.

erin and i made a kalamazoo run the other night. It wasn't at all what i expected, but i had really good time. I wouldnt have had the night go any other way. we watched movies with a couple old munchie customers. then we went and hung out with marc and nick (also munchie customers..im sensing a trend). We watched dazed and confused and went to ihop for breakfast. Where i ordered chocolate chip pancakes and got full off two bites. Then we went to the beach in grand haven and i got fried. It was a really good trip and i cant wait til we both have days off so we can do it again.

ya know how sometimes you say something, or call someone and immediately after doing so you wish you hadn't? Then you kinda wanna say something to explain why you just said that stupid thing, or called? yeah...i been doing that a lot lately. I've been calling this kid then wishing i didnt then wanting to call to explain, but i just look like a huge ass because i never leave messages and the kids never answers. lol...it's really not funny it sucks.

So I've been home for all of three days now and i already hate it here. I'm still pretty much living out of my car, and I feel like i have so much shit to get done and none of it is getting done. All the while I'm losing touch with everyone who I care to see on a daily basis. I hate summer, by the time I get back to the zoo I'll have just settled into life here and completely be out of place there again. I don't know, a lot can change in four months. Hopefully things change the way I want them to, and hopefully I end up having a good summer. Even though it's starting out so shitty.

fuck. my heart is breaking...literally i can feel it. Everything in my life is breaking off bits of my heart, and i want it to stop right now. I wish i could just say "I don't give a fuck" and really mean it. I wish I could say "I hate you" without thinking "I miss you." I wish I could control my emotions like I used to. Now, I get something in my head and I run with it, without regarding my actions. Generally I get really stubborn and end up looking psychotic when I want something. Maybe I am psychotic...I hope not.

so...thanx to marc and nick i definetly started my birthday out with a bang...so to speak. they definetly whooped my ass in the wrestling department, and made me wish i hadn't pretty much broken my hand. gotta love those fuckers

I do! lol-so passing my classes is apparently not a good idea this semester. I'm going to fail a good portion of my classes i think, which may affect me getting into the colleges of business and art in the fall. lets hope not :( lol whatev, i've fucked up this entire year and i really just don't care.

"fuck you" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA fuckin hilarious

March 28th = the best day of my life. I don't think I've been this happy in days :)

life....couldn't be better.

I skipped school today...oops. That's not good. It's the 2nd day, and i'm already skipping out on it. Whatev, I'm pretty much over school right now. I need to figure out what I really like doing and what I'm good at.
I don't think I'm good at much, so that could be difficult.

So...christmas weekend was not at all what I had planned. I intended to have a bunch of time, see some friends...hang out and see my family for a while. Well...it ended up being a lot more family seeing, and a lot less friend seeing. This is what happened over christmas. My aunt mende came home, and I haven't seen her in 5 years! It was pretty sweet. And that's about the only good thing that happened. My grandpa, the one with throat cancer, yeah he now has lung cancer as well, which of course decreases his chances of living to see next christmas. My granmda on my moms side has breast cancer. They think they caught it in time, but who really knows with cancer? My other grandma just told the family she also has breast cancer. She's known for three months, she won't tell us anything else. On top of all that my mom just lost her job. They fired her because her boyfriend works with their competition. But, he wouldn't even work there but they fired him for dating my mom. So...I dunno. I'm not really happy right now. I'm sure this'll all work out, but it's just a lot to handle all at one.
peace